I was on Facebook chatting with another Jam the Hype writer one day a few months ago.  We were discussing one of my articles.  He asked why I went in so hard on a particular issue.  I remember the sentence he wrote that stood out the most to me: “The readers could feel the hate in your article, man.”  I thought that I had pulled back some of my more harsher comments.  Then I realized what was being noticed was a deeper hurt that I myself hadn’t realized until recently.  Christian Hip Hop has impacted my relationship with my earthly and heavenly fathers for the worse.  Sometimes that hurt bleeds into my work.  I will warn the reader that this will be a mature look at faith and doctrine.  I will describe some personal things that may not be encouraging and uplifting.

I have to say that if my earthly father hadn’t introduced me to T-Bone, KJ-52, Grapetree Records, and Cross Movement, I would most likely not have taken my faith seriously at all.  The love of this medium drew us closer as we watched music videos on TBN.  We would blast T-Bone on the way back from church.  Nuwine was topic of conversation as my earthly father tried to get past the slur and tone of his dirty south rap.  It was during this time my earthly father and my heavenly father lined up.  The manifestations of God I saw, and real conversations I had with my earthly father have forged a lot of the man I am today.

So where is the conflict you might ask?  It came in Grad School after I had a break from CHH because I was too busy to look.  To set the stage, let me give you some more background.

I listened to Kenneth Copland since I was 3 years old.  I watched more hours of Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar than most of my other friends.  Oh yeah, I had Catholic High School and undergrad theological training.  My theology was that God was good and His word is alive and active to bless us in the now and I didn’t have to be in lack.  Pretty much, my life aligned with this theology mix.  I had more victories than losses.  I spent time learning about what I did and did not believe – not just based on scripture, but also through the lens of church history and the movement of the Holy Spirit.  When I got into seminary, I listened to a different set of arguments.  I read more John Calvin and Huldrych Zwingli than I ever wanted.  I understand that more Reformed camps have more in common with Zwingli than they care to admit.  I was challenged with Hebraic thinking and was shown how it trumped my Hellenistic thought of the Gospels and Epistles.  So, when I came back to Christian Hip Hop, words I didn’t fully understand or have to deal with started changing how I saw both of my fathers.  Words I thought artists were saying in one context were revealed to mean something completely different.  The beginning of that linguistic translation marks the beginning of my schisms.

My daily rotation for a long time was full of Lecrae, Ambassador, Da’ T.R.U.T.H., Flame, and Cross Movement, among others.  Listening to their commentary on God was interesting.  It was more intellectual then most other CHH I had heard.  When I look back at it, it touched a small bit of pride in me by feeling validated by being the someone who got the underlying meaning of some of their comments.  I could listen for a bit and then something would grab me that would conflict with my thinking.  The animosity directed toward Word Of Faith theology and some of its people started to affect me.  It made me ask two questions.  The first was: Will God bless me?  The second was: What does the sovereignty of God mean?  The answers to those two questions made me bitter toward my earthly father.  It was a subtle disdain that crept in when he would bring up certain things about that type of belief and church culture.  I felt tension due to what I was going through.

Time passed and I encountered some things I thought would never happen.  I was kicked out of Grad School, my cousin ran away from home, and I totaled my car all in two weeks time.  I felt like Job.  As I walked back and forth to work, passing the school that had ejected me, I listened to CHH.  In that time, I asked myself two more questions.  Do I have any will or human agency at all?  Am I an enemy of God?  The more I listened to this type of music at the time I came to the conclusion that I can ask of nothing good of God.  My existence is truly passive because an all-powerful God yields no agency to man.  It seemed like all I heard was that to think about how God affects me in a positive way was fleshly.

In the midst of my walks back and forth, pondering and coming to very Calvinist conclusions, I became an atheist.  Yes, I was listening to Lecrae, Flame, and Ambassador, but all I heard is that God wanted to crush me, make me suffer, and make me poor.  CHH had moved me more away from my earthly father and my heavenly father.

Fast-forward and you can say many of those things have now been resolved.  I came back into my faith in Christ Jesus.  I came to different metaphysical view on human agency that lines up with scripture but is not determinist (Calvinism) or unhindered free will (Armenianism).  One of the best ideas I came across in my Torah and Rabbinic studies when I got back into seminary was Avot 3:19: “Everything is foreseen, yet the freedom of choice is given.”  I had to put CHH down for a bit.  To quote Swoope from the song “Welcome to my Life” on Gold Rush: Maybe One Day, “The things for God, start keeping from God.”  When I did, I had to deal with my heart toward my earthly father.  In that process, I learned what I can and cannot accept from the teachings that he holds to.  My relationship with my heavenly father is better, but I still struggle with the concept of God being good towards me.  But, the Holy Spirit draws me toward fellowship with the tri-union.  In midst of all of this, I was told that God will work it out and I get the typical scripture microburst.  Very little of it helps because the promises of expectation doesn’t have to be paid out by the wisher, but by God.  Some days it becomes easy to expect nothing.

I love both of my fathers.  My relationship with them is functional.  CHH has helped and hindered my relationship with my two dads.  This is the first time I wish I was alone in that sentiment.

Tell me what you think in the comments below.  Follow me on twitter @speakredwords.